Suggested Topics For Future Installments of Dealbreaker


You quote Happy Gilmore all the time.

You are the least famous person on this cycle’s Celebrity Rehab.

You have a MySpace page.

You went to seminary.

You wear charity wristbands.

You are a communist.

You are an Objectivist.

Lately you’ve been getting really “into” Kerouac.

You have an Arcade Fire tattoo.

You have that picture of you and Charlie Sheen from that time he was at the same airport as you magneted to your fridge.

You are in law school.

You are “only” related to me by marriage.

You won’t watch movies with subtitles.

You insist on only speaking French to the (non-French) waiter at the "French" restaurant in the South Loop.

You are from Indiana.

You are from Vermont.

You deal X out of the break room at the Jimmy John’s on Michigan.

You went to Yale.

You write for Pitchfork.

You write Lord of the Rings fan fic.

Your sister tried to run me over with her Vespa on New Year’s Eve.

Your author bio mentions that your ancestors came over on The Mayflower.

You don’t have a passport.

You are in need of a green card.

You are my thesis advisor.

You are my student.

You holler at girls while you are stopped at lights. While I am sitting next to you in the passenger seat.

You are a vegan.

You cross picket lines.

You have an in case of apocalypse plan.

You refuse to believe that you are the father of your ex-wife’s children.

You have a Native American-themed nickname and you are Irish.

You have a sponsor.

You take my ownership of an IBook as a personal insult.

You like the Impressionists.

You have a pierced lip.

You have lived in Chicago for thirty-two years but still call me to ask whether you should get on the Brown Line train going towards Kimball or The Loop.